When You're 15

I've grown up. I turned 15 a few weeks ago. Another year wiser. It doesn't feel any different from being 14... except for one thing... My birthday wish came true. Not the one for world peace or to become the next millionaire, but the one wishing for a boyfriend. I got exactly what I wished for, and them some. Finally, someone had noticed me. I finally felt worthy; important. He had chosen me, and I chose him right back. It was like a high; completely addicting. The sweet things said back and forth, the endearing nicknames. There was no looking before the leaping. I dove in head first. I got wrapped up too quick. I didn't stop to think about what was happening until I was in the middle of everything. We were in "love", or whatever that can mean at our age. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into, or how it was going to end. And that's what happened, it ended. Just like that, not even a "I wish things would have worked out differently." It hasn't even really sunken in. My first tussle with love, and I didn't win this round. Ding-ding-ding. The winner gets a lovely prize, and what I'm left with: making sense of what's swirling around in my head. And my heart? Yeah, who knows what that's telling me. But I do know that there's a little crack there now... All I wanted was to be wanted, and look where that got me.

Exhaustion

I'm tired. I think everyone is worn out by something. It may be physical exhaustion or mental exhaustion. Or it could be a bizarre cocktail of physical, emotional, mental exhaustion. Either way you slice it, you get to feel worn down. So right now, I'm tired. I'm physically tired because I just got home from a day of shopping. If you're a girl, you know how tiring that can be. I'm mentally tired. I'm emotional tired. But mainly, I'm tired of worrying. If anyone remembers from my post about Bff's, I have this friend where are relationship has been on the rocks. Well for the past couple of months, the relationship has been picked up from the rocks and thrown way down into the depths of the ocean. And I've tried. Tried to work it out. Tried to apologize. But nothing seems to work. So I'm done trying. I'm done worrying.... I'm emotionally tired because of this one boy who has caught my eye and who has had my eye for quite some time. Am I a cliche or what? This boy knows how I feel, and he very respectfully and very kindly, rejected me. And yet, yet I still worry about impressing him and worry about if I look good in front of him. But why? I do not get why I'm so obsessed. I don't get it. How can one mind worry so much about the most minuscule things? Life's greatest unanswered questions, my friends. I am once again plagued by my life's weird issues. I sound so dramatic. Even this blog is me obsessing and worrying. How can I get out of this bizarre and unusual cycle? I believe the answer is, I can't. Life is something you learn as you go, and this is one lesson I can't seem to understand.